By Comedic Storyteller Onicia Muller
While touring my old stomping ground, I saw that my old family friends had lots of coconuts in their yard. We pulled over the car and I approached the woman, who was cutting and draining the nuts in the garage.
Rebecca didn’t speak English so she knocked on the backdoor and shouted at someone. I waited so long that Rebecca had to knock on the door twice. The flies were nammin’ me like warm bread pudding. Since no one likes people breathing down their neck, I gave Rebecca some space and went to my rental.
Anywhores, after forever and ten days, some man open up the door like I’m bothering him. Me ain’t know why, but Roberto show up wearing a towel. What kind of establishment is this? Dreddy, I wouldda waited the extra two minutes for you to pull on some clothes.
After some friendly chit chat, I learn that my old friends no longer lived there. Shucks! ’Cause now I can’t get a hook-up since my homies ain't running this Caribbean lemonade stand. Whatever… I ask for one large bottle. Roberto goes back inside and takes another two decades to fetch a bottle.
I hand him a twenty and then we look at each other for a moment. Stare. Blink. Stares. Gah, do I have to walk this man-child through the steps of a business transaction?
“So how much for the water?”
“Fifteen Dollars?!” Did I look like I had ‘tourist’ written on my forehead?
“Ten for a small. Fifteen for a large. We are the cheapest on the island.” He said while still holding my money and not making a move to give me change.
Where is the manager? Yuh know what? From the looks of things, the cat’s away and the mice are a playin’!
Ho strollin’. Clad in a loincloth. Yampy still in he eyes. Young man, if yuh gonna steal at least steal smart, nuh! Dis man was hella greedy asking ridiculous prices and then expecting to be tipped for committing highway robbery.
“Fifteen dollars?” I challenged.
He nods confidently.
Neva dat. I born here and my shame box is outta order. Without further negotiation, I snatch my money and give him the water.
Without another thought, I cranked the engine and drove off into the distance.
We rant and laugh about how the coconut man tried to scam us. When we finally found another vendor, we realized that $15 was the going rate for a large bottle. I would say we felt dumb, but when scumbaggery is life, all you can do is laugh and move on to the next adventure.
Shout out to all the coconut man dem. I laugh but me sorry for disrespecting yuh.
Created on St. Maarten; based in Chicago, Onicia Muller (@OniciaMuller) is an award-winning comedic storyteller. She writes, says funny things, and enjoys hanging with creative minds. “Just Be Funny” is a weekly reflection where Onicia laughs at life. Visit www.OniciaMuller.com/JBF.