By Comedic Storyteller Onicia Muller

Did you know that being married statistically increases your odds of waking up next to a dead person! 

There you were single – possibly ready to mingle – thinking that one romantic encounter would change your life for the better. “Waaaaa! My life sucks. I’m tired of waking up sad and alone. I need someone to loooove me in the mornings.” So, you do?

You catfish and scam your way into someone’s life and heart. Your con is so good that you convince them to jeopardise their credit score and mental health by sharing a lease and utilities with you.

Finally, you snuggle into bed with your current lover but DUN, DUN, DUNNN, you’re not happy. Why? Because now you’re playing bedtime Russian roulette – see, every time you go to sleep next to another human being, you’ve just significantly increased your odds of waking up next to a dead person.

Each night you agree to place two human bullets into that fluffy revolver cylinder called a bed, you spin into a REM cycle not knowing which one Ole Man Death will pull the trigger on.

Whoosh trtrtrtrtrt-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta (das me spinning the cylinder, yo) ta-ta-ta! Which one of us will it be? Will it be you, or will it be me?

Anywhores, the good news is that should you be in a lawfully wedded union to a person in possession of a hefty benefits package, you might be entitled to a sizable life insurance payout. That’s right, Death sometimes giveth more than he taketh.

I don’t know about you, but I feel like investing in a life insurance policy is smarter than sinking coins into the lotto. In fact, I pay my insurance premiums before any other expenses.

I’m no math wiz, but I feel like my odds of winning are really good – better than 50/50 for sure. You know, provided we don’t do some kind of tandem death by freak accident or (murder) suicide pact thing.

The saddest thing – in my humble comedic opinion – is playing the lotto for decades, winning, and then finding yourself on stage with twenty other man dem. Why? How? Where did y’all come from? Why am I splitting Mega Millions™ with fifty eleven dusties???

Oh yeah, fun fact about la lotería: If you actually kill your spouse, you do not get to cash in. Me sorry. On any other day, I’d say insurance is a scam, I actually approve of life insurance. Have you heard of the term life policies? It’s like betting on yourself! No need to go through the hassle and trickery of getting someone to like it and put a ring on it. God sent!

Shout out to all the lovers secretly hoping for their partners to kick the bucket. May the life insurance lotto play out in your favour.

Created on St. Maarten; based in Chicago, Onicia Muller (@OniciaMuller) is an award-winning comedic storyteller. She writes and says funny things, and enjoys hanging with creative minds. “Just Being Funny” is a weekly reflection where Onicia laughs at life. Visit www.OniciaMuller.com/JBF.