“Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Baby shark!”
Let me tell y’all how I almost disowned this goddaughter named Danielle.
STORY TIME: Please strap in for the drama-filled ride.
So it was about three months since I’d seen Danielle. If you want to be more specific, for people like Dominique, it was basically 12 weeks – just eight days short of a full three months (inserts upside down smiling emoji).
Dominique decided that we should meet up and have a beach day. I opted for Simpson Bay beach versus Mullet Bay, because I had heard that Mullet was going to be full – that was my mistake.
I spent the drive to the beach partially annoyed, as the plastic covering my window kept flapping in wind. I was afraid it would fly off, but I wasn’t going to drive any slower – so too bad if it flew off. Earlier in the week, a guy cutting grass had broken my front passenger window. It’s fixed now – but those days with the plastic were torture.
Anyway, I was on chips duty, so I pulled over to a Chinese supermarket to purchase a bag of Doritos and Cheetos. Fact number one (that has nothing to do with this piece): I could tell that the cashier was really pretty, even with her mask on.
Got to the beach and “pah-tea staht”. From that moment on, I was the most important person on the beach. Haha. Mommy was second place at the moment. We were taking pictures, Danielle was climbing on me and using my shoulders as a diving board, and for some reason, she kept taking off my hat to wet my head – I mean I was already soaking wet…I didn’t get it.
Fact number two (that has nothing to do with this piece): One of the topless ladies had a really nice “pair”. What is relevant to the story is that Danielle thought they should be arrested for indecent exposure. LOL!
Dominique leaves the water. I leave the water. Danielle is leaving the water. OH MY GOD, A STINGRAY! I turn around to make sure she’s out of the water. Excuse me, are you serious??
Here is where she starts getting the letters of her name erased from the will. Danielle is going back towards the ocean telling me, “Yes, there’s a stingray.” UH YO! YOU’RE GOING THE WRONG WAY. Why is this child going towards the ocean? Hasn’t she seen enough movies to know she needs to run from danger? COME THIS WAY!
“AHHHHHHHHHH. That’s where she gets it,” I thought to myself, until HER MOTHER joins her in the ocean to go Stingray-Sighting. Are they insane?!
Me: Uhhh... Excuse me, Dominique, do you remember what killed the Crocodile Dundee guy?
Dominique: But it’s a baby.
Me: Nonononono, answer my question. What killed the Crocodile Dundee guy?
Dominique: It’s just a baby, Cam.
Me: THIS IS THE CARIBBEAN. WHERE THERE’S A BABY, THERE’S A MOTHER.
I washed my hands off those two and went to sit down and eat Cheetos. Beach day was over for me. “Cah-Put”.
They tried getting me to go back into the water, but that wasn’t going to happen. Danielle tried putting sand all over me, begging me and even dragging me. But ain’t nobody going be out here doing “Death by Stingray”. You Cwwaazy?
I eventually took one last dive to rinse off at the end, but a badman done seen too many movies to go out like a sucka!
It’s just hard to believe that this kid (and her mom) saw a stingray (I don’t care how big it was) and went back into the water to see it. Am I a punk? Or…
*Yo, Siri, play Baby Shark*
