“I shall fear no man, but God
Though I walk through tha valley of death
I shed so many tears
Please God walk with me…”
It’s incredible how much humans can take before they reach that breaking point – and by that, I mean physically, mentally and spiritually.
On Tuesday night, I had Roni Bell (the in-house masseuse at The Box) do some work on me – typical sports stuff, looking for tightness, checking mobility and finding blockages. “You need to stretch, Cam,” she said, as she worked the tension out of me. Turns out I had crazy tension from my neck straight down to my knees (on the backside), but I would have never known without her doing what she does.
Once I had warmed up properly, I never felt any restrictions in my movements. Besides my still partially pinched nerve, I felt like my body was operating like a well-oiled machine. But man was I wrong! She even told me that all the tension and tightness could be affecting my pinched nerve. That’s probably why it’s lingered for so long. I just can’t believe or really grasp how the body was able to operate so seamlessly despite all the restrictions and blockages that my own lack of stretching had caused.
Segway!
See, I’ve always known that things from our childhood come back to affect us in our present. I mean it’s only obvious. We always say that it is our experiences that shape us into the people we are, but I think we look at it from a position where “this thing affected us” and not that “this thing is affecting us”.
You can ask any of my sisters or any of my close friends from primary or early high school days; I had an unbelievable rage growing up. I fought in school very few times, but when I did, it would usually take four or five persons to restrain me – and I was only a kid then. I haven’t had a real outburst of rage for many years, but I get tiny glimpses of it here and there. For example, something would happen and for a split second, my mind would immediately go red, blank, and I’d get intense goose bumps.
Whenever this happens, it would make me realize that even though I haven’t had an outburst in so long, this thing is actually super-securely suppressed versus completely dealt with, leaving me to wonder what else is super-securely suppressed, securely suppressed, or maybe just slightly covered, awaiting its jack-in-the-box appearance.
I usually say that I am pretty observant and aware of what’s going on around me and in my life. Of late, I’ve noticed that there are certain movies that just make me feel really emotional; like almost teary-eyed emotional. I tend to pull the brakes on those pretty quickly. And it’s less of a macho, chauvinistic thing and more of it being one of those situations where you don’t really know how deep the well is until you fall inside – so it’s like: “Do I really want to start this not knowing if I’ll be able to stop?” Ouu, we’re getting a little real now.
One of the last times that I cried, I was using Timmy Turner as an example for my life. Just from watching the show and seeing his interactions with Wanda, I simply pulled it as a reference to a situation I was in. Now, I think our human system has a way of trying to autocorrect mistakes within itself – much like I believe the body gives indicators to tightness, but we just ignore or miss them.
The last time I cried, it was made known to me that my reference to Timmy and Wanda was much more than just a random example from a guy who grew up on cartoons. The reference had a deeper rooted meaning and what I thought was a simple, logical example, was actually my system subconsciously giving me the information that I needed to autocorrect an issue in my life. I needed to stretch my mind and quite possibly my spirit.
I’ve never seen an actual therapist – unless I count my sister Zoya, who now has her Master’s in some sort of forensic psychology (don’t quote me, but it’s in the psychology field) – but I’m thankful to have honest friends I consider family that can assist me in unpacking some things, who can check me for tension and blockages that I miss, because I mistakenly feel like I’m running well oiled.
So much of our present-day patterns – whether physical, mental or spiritual – are linked to some event(s) of our childhood, both good and bad. We can find ourselves in cyclical ruts and dry spells, and we’re unable to figure out the issue. As far as we can “see”, we are presently doing everything right (well oiled), but most of us won’t take the time to “see” that we are stuck in a loop (tight and blocked).
Have you ever heard the same song play over and over, but only on the seventh round, you catch yourself and think: “Bro, is this song on repeat?” That’s kind of what some of our lives are like. Again, besides being thankful for my awareness, I’m so grateful for the people in my life who see past my present self – people who help me become a better version of me.
Why am I thinking of Shari while writing this? I suppose I appreciate her dedication to growth.
To Wanda and Cosmo.
*Cues So Many Tears by Tupac*
