“And be hopeful (hopeful) and he'll make a way
I know it ain't easy but that's okay.
Let's be hopeful!”
Hey, all! I’m Camy’s (that’s what I call him) little sister, Zoya. And, yes, I am currently pursuing a Master’s degree in Psychology; more specifically, Forensic Mental Health Counseling. I have a passion for understanding people and assisting them on their journey to becoming more functional, empowered and whole. I have experience working with individuals involved in Social Services, the Criminal Justice System, Educational System and Outpatient Facilities.
Cameron raised a topic last week that is common across the board with most individuals I come in contact with, both professionally and non-professionally: Essentially, parents meeting the very basic, physical needs of their child(ren), but neglecting their emotional and psychological needs.
Cameron was right in his assessment that this way of raising children is cyclical. Our grandparents did it, so our parents did it, so we will most likely do it also. I’m sure if we trace it back far enough, we will find evidence of our great-greats doing the same. In other words, the way in which we raise our children is culturally driven.
While this is not inherently a bad thing, if we do not pay attention to the ineffective, unhealthy and dysfunctional effects of these methods, we risk perpetuating ways of doing things that keep our children suffering in their early years, only to grow into adults who are broken and need so much healing.
In many of our households, children are not allowed to express their opinions, views and even disagreements with their parents in times of correction and discipline. Children’s voices are shut down and muffled by the authority of the parent because “I’m the parent and you’re the child”. Many parents do not understand how to validate the feelings of their children whilst maintaining a role of authority.
Children are often marked off as dramatic, too much, bad, trouble makers, no good, extra… and the list can go on. In most cases, these children are dealing with a variety of traumatic experiences, peer pressure, hormones and trying to find a place in this world.
Parents, I understand how hard your job is. I empathize with you; but hear me: You have a duty to raise a WHOLE person. You have to check yourself: Are you effectively coping with your own stressors? Have you dealt with your own childhood issues? There are resources available to assist you (Mental Health Foundation).
Another culturally driven belief is that psychologists are for “crazy” people. Nothing could be further from the truth. For example, many people see a psychologist to learn how to cope with stress or resolve conflicts. We’re like the best friends you go to when you need to talk. We just have the training in understanding and identifying the things that affect you negatively and using techniques to help you achieve mastery over them. I digress.
If you are not a parent as yet, please consider the impact of your own hurt and negative experiences on your life and whether you are prepared to raise a human being – not to compensate and heal your wounds, but to add to the world in a positive way. I wish I could have gone deeper in this piece, but I encourage you to begin incorporating these expressions: “I respect your feelings…” “I appreciate your efforts…” “I love you, just because…” “I know I am the adult, but I want to hear your input…” “Let’s talk about it…” “I’m sorry…”
Model to your children emotional skills like understanding, forgiveness, patience, unconditional love, respect of feelings, effective problem solving, trust and compassion. The next time your child does something you don’t like, instead of physically punishing them and yelling, try sitting with them and asking them to help you understand them more and learn who your child really is, so you can support them. Don’t take their behaviour personally, children really do have a lot to deal with.
If Camy ever invites me back, I can share a case study and go into more evidenced based explanations on the impact of being raised in an invalidating home. I’m always open to dialogue, so you can definitely reach out to me on Facebook if you want to continue the conversation.
*Cues Hope by Twista*
