Claret Connor with his godsons
Sitting in the comfort of Ambrosia restaurant, a well-known man recalls a moment of his teenaged life that made a profound impact on his state of being and his targeted pursuit to raise a community’s consciousness.
That man is Claret Connor, former Member of Parliament and minister. And, his story is not one many men share or care to recall. His moment of realisation happened in a class fight.
Telling of how the weight and expectation of community helped to shape him, Connor told of a day in high school when in the heat of the moment, he grabbed a girl by her collar. “I can see it still; I had my fist folded and hand drawn back, but I couldn’t hit her. The environment where I came from taught me differently. The environment where I came from would not have accepted this.”
His mother, Estelle Fleming, was the disciplinarian in the home. Connor, a middle child, was taught that he must be the protector of his sisters. So, there he was with fist folded about to do harm to someone else’s sister and daughter. “All of it was there in my subconscious: ‘you can’t do that … you can’t hit.’ I couldn’t and I didn’t. I am happy I didn’t, because it was the way I was brought up that saved me,” he shared with The Weekender.
“I am a product of a community. The community helped to raise me. This element of community involvement is missing today. This is where we need to get back to – a place where we look out for each other and take care of our children,” said Connor.
Breaking the cycle of toxic masculinity and the Caribbean man’s “macho” persona are essential in tackling domestic violence. Connor, described by Safe Haven as a community role model, is ready to end the circle.
The former Member of Parliament has joined forces with the foundation that runs the only shelter for women escaping domestic violence, to launch a three-year campaign on toxic masculinity and its impact on the community.
“The Caribbean macho man behaviour is transferred from generation to generation. It is time it is stopped,” Connor said. “And, the only way to do this is to start with the boys in schools and to talk to the older men about this way of life.”
The prevalence of toxic masculinity is widespread, so much so it has become almost invisible. “We are at the point where we are ignoring it now, and then we wonder why an abused person stays in a relationship: Why don’t they leave? It is because toxic masculinity is left un-tackled and ignored in the family and then that transfers to the neighbourhood. We must give attention to the abused and the abuser.”
First step is taking it to the schools. Connor intends to take the lessons and examples he has shared with his godsons and other young men to pupils, ages six to eight. “This is the time they can understand and learn good behaviour and how to treat girls and each other,” he said.
Boys and young men need to be made aware “it is not okay to hit the opposite sex” in jest or in anger. Connor pointed to the example of men pulling at women in everyday conversation. “Sometimes, you see people having a chat and a man grabs a woman and pulls at her to get her attention. What gives anyone the right to pull at someone else?” Connor questioned.
The lack of knowledge and understanding facilitates this behaviour. “The thought process of ‘What am I doing?’ or ‘What gives me the right to grab a woman?’ is simply not there. It is unfortunately seen as part of our culture. And what is to blame is the lack of awareness. This is where our work is focused,” said Connor.
Getting the root of toxic masculinity is another approach. Connor and Safe Haven intend to have multi-generational discussions about what it is to be a good and strong man without making others feel threatened or intimidated. “We have never had these kinds of discussions in the past. It is time we have them with those who perpetuated and those who are affected by it and may continue the cycle,” said Connor.
The happenings in the community, the way children are raised and things they are exposed to must be reviewed. Children, especially boys, are introduced early to video games, many of which have a violence theme or a violence undertone. Children are very susceptible to the things they see, Connor said, pointing out that much of their personality is shaped by what is seen at a very young age.
The multi-cultural makeup of St. Maarten may pose a challenge to a campaign that looks at breaking a culture cycle. However, Connor is not deterred; to him, in every challenge lies opportunity. “Hopefully, this small step to bring awareness about toxic masculinity will open up conversations and prompt others to get involved with the campaign. We are looking to get others to join in this awareness drive,” Connor said.
Having role models is necessary to the entire awareness process. Connor said we live in a time when people will quickly hold back from helping others, and that holding back means the community loses out. “We are quick to react when someone attempts to help or bring awareness – ‘who the heck do you think you are?’” is common. This distancing must change and involvement needs to take its place.
As for his role in breaking the toxic masculinity cycle on St. Maarten, Connor said: “I am not the solution. I am a pathway to get the discussion started. If through this effort, we are able to impact the life of just one boy or young man, we have been successful.”
For more information on the campaign and Safe Haven, see Facebook.com/safehavenfoundationsxm.
