By Comedic Storyteller Onicia Muller
Ever find yourself in a situation where you feign confliction between two choices?
“Hmm. I dunno. They’re both so good,” I lied for the fifth time that hour. We sat in Rebecca’s car trying to decide on our housing options. I was a penny-pinching slob willing to sleep in a cardboard box if it meant I could spend more money on ice cream or advancing my artistic career.
Here’s my unsolicited hot money take: I weigh every potential expense against its ability to add or detract from my future ability to afford ice cream.
Drop $70K on a Master’s degree? Yes, because educated people have a higher earning potential. Mo’ money. Mo’ ice cream.
Purchase a $150 designer blouse? Nah. Clothing depreciates – and putting together a classic look doesn’t have to break the bank. Spend $50 on clothes and pocket the $100 for ice cream.
Neither of us was willing to admit our true desires during the whole parking lot symposium on housing options. Do we spend an extra $100 per month for an apartment with a microwave and exposed brick wall OR choose a comparable apartment with plain white walls and no microwave?
Issa no-brainer, right?
A microwave and a blasted brick wall were standing between me and potentially $600 of ice cream. (Divide by two. Quick maths, yo.)
The wall situation wasn’t even a convo starter because every habitable dwelling has four main walls and a ceiling. If anything, she can slap on a Snapchat filter on her and make believe she has bricks. (Insert impish grin)
As for the microwave; do I really need to break down why a used microwave is not worth paying $1,200 per year in rent? If you’re into second-hand culinary heating tools, I can find you a lightly-used toaster oven/microwave combo for less than $100 on Craigslist. Easy.
Unfortunately, this wasn’t the time to be snarky. My current housing situation had me locked in a tiny room because every time I emerged, my roommate tried to rope me into some Bible study or church-related activity.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m all the way #TeamJesus. I just don’t see why my life has to be synched with yours. I am an individual. I require “levensruimte” and alone time.
I knew she wanted the bougie life, but our choice was so obvious. Should have known Rebecca wasn’t good at making financial decisions. This is the same person who believes in renting couches and beds.
Bruh…I get that it wasn’t your forever home, but it’s so much cheaper to buy and then sell online. Choops. People too fancy for used things, but call it vintage or a luxury furnished apartment, and they’re willing to drop top dollar.
You is a struggling playwright. Stop trying to live like C-level executives!
Anywhores, we went with the cheaper apartment. Aside from the ceiling collapsing and destroying half of our living room furniture, and the crazy neighbour who left a bag of poop at our back door because she thought the roommate was sleeping with her husband (did she even have a husband??? I guess we’ll never know); it was a good financial investment overall.
Shout out to all the landlords, slumlords and slick-talking real estate agents.
Created on St. Maarten; based in Chicago, Onicia Muller (@OniciaMuller) is an award-winning comedic storyteller. She writes and says funny things, and enjoys hanging with creative minds. “Just Being Funny” is a weekly reflection where Onicia laughs at life. Visit www.OniciaMuller.com/JBF
