By Comedic Storyteller Onicia Muller
I don’t know what it is about my face or my energy, but people love to tell me they business – old people, crazy people; homeless people, in particular, love to talk to me. I’m hoping it’s because one day someone’s granny will write me into her will. Why? Because unlike her dusty and ungrateful grandchildren, I took the time to listen to her story. That’s why!
Anywhores, I was casually twirling my umbrella overhead while waiting for the train. A fair-skinned Korean friend put me on to blocking with it: “Ooh, chile, black might not crack, but that don’t mean you got to test da lordt by refusing to wear sunblock or taking other protective measures.”
Showing up slick with sweat like a pig in a blanket is not a cute look. No, ma’am!
Grandpa Roberto pointed at my umbrella and complimented my cleverness. As a proud citizen of The Friendly Island, I returned his greeting and cheerfully credited my Korean friend before returning my attention to my phone.
No surprise. Roberto was chatty. I was not. It was too hot for idle conversations with strangers.
“I haven’t left my house all week! I finally had a reason to go to the pharmacy. It’s so good to see people.”
Dang, Roberto hadn’t left his home all week. His scallywag grandchildren probably haven’t called since Christmas. I put my phone away and decided to give him my full attention. If he was a little ticky boom-boom in the head, I could always end the conversation when the train arrived.
“I’m so happy to be 80. Most people don’t understand. I was at the pharmacy and saw this beautiful woman. She had a body that wouldn’t quit; tight like a schoolgirl. Fella in line said she was 104. I can’t believe! I go around and, sure enough, her face is 104! Tried to holla but she wasn’t interested. She was a pretty thing. I’d give it to her for sure.”
Wow! So much to unpack in that short, unsolicited tale.
First of all, it’s good to know that women are objectified and hollered at even at 100 plus years. Time and time again we’re shown that there’s no skirt long enough or face too plain to stave off a warm-blooded male.
Second of all, “Go, granny! It’s ya birfday! Yuh clocking 100 and they still swimming upstream. And if he’s 80, well, technically you’re still attracting the tenderonies. We stan a well-seasoned sexpot.”
I snapped back from my daydream of being a centennial cougar to catch the tail end of Roberto’s afternoon confession.
“Guess she had other things to do.”
She’s 100 and in good enough health to be out and about on her own. She’s a certified bad mama jama. Of course, she has better things to do than flirt with you. You’re probably using the same tired lines from 40 years ago.
Instead of communicating my true thoughts, I shrugged and offered an “I guess when you’re 104, sometimes you just have to see about other things.”
Roberto sighed and looked blissfully out into the distance. “Yeah. She was fine, though.”
I bet she was.
Shout out to all the elderly lovebirds. May all your past lovers long for you to return to their beds.
Created on St. Maarten; based in Chicago, Onicia Muller (@OniciaMuller) is an award-winning comedic storyteller. She writes and says funny things, and enjoys hanging with creative minds. “Just Being Funny” is a weekly reflection where Onicia laughs at life. Visit www.OniciaMuller.com/JBF
