By Comedic Storyteller Onicia Muller
Serious question: How do people lose their dogs? Like, how is your dog lost?
I pondered this lost dog situation after reading a post on Reddit about how some woman who had left her pack of wolves was recognized seven years later. Yup. Rebecca left Balto and the gang for seven years, then she just popped up on the tundra, and the squad said, “Sup?!”
Como?!
Seven is the number of completion. No one would have been mad at those doggos for forgetting her face after such a long time.
If those dogs remembered Rebecca, do you think Fluffy really walked seven minutes away from the house and suddenly forget where she lived? Rebecca was gone for seven years! Not seven minutes. Not seven hours; tampoco seven days, seven weeks, seven months and fo’sho’ not seven years!
Here’s what I think: Your dog is not lost; your dog doesn’t like you.
Yeah, I said, Yo’ dog. Does not. Like Y-O-U.
Think about it. Spot and all his police dog homies can smell crack cocaine from 20 feet away. Rex can hear you opening the doggy treat bag. Duke can keep the Bush’s Baked Beans recipe a secret, but you wanna believe that your dog isn’t smart enough to know where your house is?
There are dogs out here working real jobs. Even the least skilled seeing eye dog will lead their blind owner from home to the library, then to the supermarket – wait for it – and then to an impromptu cafe rendezvous with a friend. Guess what? They both still make it home.
That’s right, the plan was to just hit up the Le Grande Marché, but then el owner tossed in that surprise detour and Daisy hit ‘em with the Google Maps reply, “Would you like to take the scenic route or are you in a rush?”
Yo, imagine the dogs chopping it up in the doggy park. Lil Miss Lola decides to vent.
“Y’all my dogs, right? So, check it. Y’all know be living with Rebecca. Sure we kicking it in the rehabbed two-flat. Yeah, we got Animal Planet in the cable subscription, but she keeps trying to feed me Purina when I’m clearly an Iams dog. I know. I know this is going to sound psycho but she keeps putting my bowl in the corner – I want it in the centre of the room. That’s just good doggy feng shui.”
All the other puppers wagging their tails, barking – you know – hyping Lola up.
And it makes sense. Dogs have personalities. Humans have personalities. Just like a bad roommate pairing, it’s very likely that you and your dog are not aligned. Naw meen?
Still unconvinced? Listen, there are homeless people out here thuggin’ through rough conditions: Rain, snow, sleet, hail, people spitting at them – and yet their dogs always know how to find these man dem at the end of the day. Roberto, the local hobo, could be on one corner at noon and say, “Yo Scooby, go find some cash. Amma go do my hobo thing. We’ll meet back at our spot round six.”
So, a loyal doggy knows how to find a person with no fixed home address but your dog lost?
Your dog lost?! Not my dog. Ok, well it happened once but ain’t never been me since. And that, folks, is why I smile whenever I see a lost dog sign.
Shout out to all my “lost” dogs. Good for you for knowing you can do bad all on your own. Hope you find an owner that’s a better personality fit.
Created on St. Maarten; based in Chicago, Onicia Muller (@OniciaMuller) is an award-winning comedic storyteller. She writes and says funny things, and enjoys hanging with creative minds. “Just Being Funny” is a weekly reflection where Onicia laughs at life. Visit www.OniciaMuller.com/JBF
