~ A think piece ~
Why is it that every time I open Facebook or read The Daily Herald – shameless plug, don’t @ me [1] – there’s a new headline about another man (some of which are awaiting actual judicial trials) being ripped down by the court of public opinion? For centuries, women have been under attack from the opposite sex. They have been preyed on and then blamed for the actions of the predators, and thus, ignored. And before a man reads this and gets in his bag [2] about anything I’m saying, please speak to an actual woman FIRST, then ignore everything I’ve just said and continue to wallow in your self-imposed idiocy.
In light of the constant headlines plaguing women in the world, I feel like I’m forced to express how much it depresses me. The headlines are a glimmer of hope, since the world has long been a dangerous place for a woman to live, so it’s nice to see them being empowered. However, what is more stressful is the number of men who feel as if the world is on a “witch hunt” for the men in the world. Nothing can be further from the truth. The women of the world are out to stop their suffering and the unfortunate reality is that many men – and, yes, other women – are being exposed for their actions.
I’d like to quote Idris Elba when he said, “The #MeToo movement is only difficult if you’re a man with something to hide.” We women are not speaking out to rip down men, and take over society. On the contrary, we are trying to make the world a safer place for little boys and girls to grow up, happy, healthy and unharmed. This is also enforced with the fact that we are well aware that women can be monsters too, and they are not exempt from having to face the consequences of their vicious actions.
For a very long time, violent or even abusive behaviour toward women has been a known issue. The statistics of women being physically and emotionally abused in comparison to that of men is like a ship sitting in the ocean; the women being the ocean in this case. A lot of these cases are simply ignored as “none of our business.” People are often apprehensive to even help women in certain situations because of the implications that come along with it confronting abuse, so it is glossed over. Not saying you think it’s normal, but even if something has been the norm and no harm is seen in it, it doesn’t mean it’s not a problem to others.
Let me completely sidestep the Sinterklaas argument, because, one issue at a time. If you think about it, most people know at least one woman in a relationship with a man who says and/or does things that make you feel awkward. Picture it: You’re having a social gathering and something happens that causes the man to say or do something that makes you turn your head and try to find anything else to do instead of being there. It registers and makes you feel uncomfortable because it’s not right, but for whatever reasons, it’s left alone as “their business”. We prefer to find comfort in the idea that what we just witnessed was between two people and it was none of our concern. This is a perfect example of cognitive dissonance.
In the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort (psychological stress) experienced by a person who simultaneously holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas or values. This discomfort is triggered by a situation in which a person’s belief clashes with new evidence perceived by that person. When confronted with facts that contradict personal beliefs, ideals and values, people will find a way to resolve the contradiction in order to reduce their discomfort. You know it’s wrong, because your instincts tell you it’s wrong; but you ignore it anyway, because the idea of confronting the behaviour makes you uncomfortable. Then the excuses, for why you shouldn’t get involved, calm your mind and everything is fine for you again.
See? Things that seem normal to you are not always so. Many argue that the local age of sexual consent is in the teens, and therefore it’s legal, but there are a lot of our laws that could use some revision regarding age. If someone cannot vote and choose their own representation in parliament or be licensed to drive a vehicle, how reliable are they with sexual consent? Before last year, there were no rules in place for a logical drinking age, because it had always been a norm for younger people and teens to drink; but in the progression of our island as a society, we saw the need to protect our children from drinking. So they are young enough to need protection from voting, driving as well as drinking, but they’re still allowed to consent to sex in their early teen years? Honestly, I think the legal ages are being exploited for the benefit of the sexual predators.
The following are some ways predators can “groom” or train someone:
A predator might pay special attention to a child and make him or her feel special. They will get to know the child’s likes and dislikes very well. A predator is likely to try to win over the affection of his or her intended victim by sharing these likes. “I got us a box of your favourite candy to share.” Or to an older child: “You like that band? That’s my favourite band. I could get us tickets to their next concert.”
A predator might isolate your child by involving him or her in fun activities that require them to be alone together. Part of the manipulation process is lowering the inhibitions of children. Keep in mind that the first physical contact between a predator and his or her victim is often nonsexual and designed to desensitize the child. It breaks down inhibitions and leads to more overt sexual touching. It may begin as an “accidental” bump or rub, an arm around the shoulder, a brushing of hair.
A predator might take advantage of a child’s natural curiosity about sex by telling “dirty” jokes, showing him or her pornography or by playing sexual games. A predator may offer to play games or buy treats for young children. To lure older children or teenagers, they may offer to buy drugs or alcohol. After a while, the predator starts to ask something in return. This “something” may be a sexual act or forcing the child to watch pornographic material.
A predator might present himself or herself as a sympathetic listener when parents, friends and others disappoint a child. Predators often target adolescents who feel isolated from their peers. He or she may say to a child they are trying to lure: “Your parents don’t understand you, but I do.” “I can tell you’re lonely. I was the same way at your age.” Unfortunately, children of single parent homes are frequently preyed upon because they are seen as vulnerable or having a void that needs to be filled. Male predators have been known to seek out single mothers to gain access to their children.
A predator might eventually treat the victim as a co-conspirator in their “relationship”. Saying things like, “Your parents would be angry at both of us if they found out what we did.” In order to abuse the child and minimize the fear of discovery, a sexual predator will oftentimes share secrets with the victim. The victim is made to believe that they are being trusted with something of value, before being asked to share something of value with his or her abuser. This bonds the victim to the predator, setting the tone for more sinister secrets to be shared.
Studies have shown that children who experience sexual abuse tend to recover quicker and with better results if they have a supportive, caring adult (ideally a parent) consistently in their life. So, the next time you’re arguing that the girl, who used to get picked up by grown men in high school, was “fast” or “deserved whatever she got”, because she messed around with older men, think again and be more compassionate. She may have thought she liked the men in certain ways, but a physical relationship between an adult and a teen is inappropriate no matter how you spin it.
The erotic use of a child, whether physically or emotionally, is sexual exploitation in the fullest meaning of the term, even if no bodily contact is ever made. It is not our job to blame the victims, even if it makes us think of our own traumas or the traumas we have inflicted on other people. Perhaps we can use this as a time to rebuild from a fresh start.
[1] A slang, which translates to: “I said what I said and am unafraid of the repercussions.”
[2] A slang, which in this case means getting emotional about what was previously stated.
