“And if we should die tonight, we should all die together
Raise a glass of wine for the last time
Calling out father oh, prepare as we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on the mountain side
Desolation comes upon the sky.”
While I was in New York, I hung out with some friends. One of my friends, Renee, reminded me of a funeral I had shot back when I used to live in New York. I had completely forgotten about that until she triggered the memory and I began to have flashbacks of that day. I could remember the colours, I could remember the venue, I could almost remember the smell, and I could even remember some of the faces.
The day I got back to Sint Maarten, I was driving home after having spent the entire afternoon hanging out with my two sisters. I may or may not have been drinking strawberry milkshake, but that is irrelevant to the point. While driving on Coralita Road, I saw an old friend of mine passing by in his car. “Yeah Cameron,” he said; and I responded, “Yeeeaah!” It’s so funny the way guys communicate, anyway.
I remember when we were kids in primary school, he and his brother used to come over to my house to hang out. We’d play video games and hit the streets all day until their mom finished work. Their mom was good friends with my mom and we just overall got along very well. If I hadn’t seen him that night, those thoughts would not have been triggered and I would never have recalled those moments.
Segway. (Segue!)
This is why I personally have a hard time allowing people back into my space when they’ve hurt me or done me dirty. It’s like a trigger that can sometimes become a thorn in my side.
Now forgive and forget is relevant. The forgiveness part is really to get that person off your chest for you, and the forget part really means that if you’ve forgiven them, then you shouldn’t treat them as if the matter still exists. You’ve moved on. I get it. BUT I have never been one to believe that forgiveness and forgetting means that we need to go back to where we were.
I forgiving and forgetting is so much more about me being good than it is about you. Because I can very well forgive and forget and that person can STILL remain the same. It doesn’t guarantee, even in the slightest, their change or growth. So, let’s be optimistic and say that someone did you wrong, you did the “Double F” and they changed after the matter. That’s great for you, and I’m happy that you took the time to become better after the matter. But why should I have to risk ME and be besties again?
Let me create a scenario. Imagine (and this is an extreme) a young lady being raped by a young man. He serves time in prison and rehabilitates. She sees a psychologist and gets over the trauma. She “Double Fs” dude and everything is peachy. Bro, IMAGINE telling this young lady that her new roommate is going to be the guy who raped her! TRIGGER!
As much as she forgave, dude, those memories are going to come back flooding her brainwaves. The hurt is going to eventually come back and she needs a whole other session with Zoya (my sister who is a certified forensic psychologist – check her out). Why would she want to put herself through that? Why should she put herself through that? Even though he served his time; even though he’s a better version of himself; she’s so much better off without him in her space – or at least I think so.
Hence, I try to keep people I “Double F” at arm’s length, or just a bit further...lol.
Care to debate?
*Siri, play I See Fire by Ed Sheeran*
