Dear Queenie,
After several unsuccessful relationships with men, I finally met one I love and want to spend the rest of my life with and we have been living together for about a year now. My 5-year-old daughter loves him too, and he says he loves us both, but he refuses to talk about marriage and says he has no intention of ever getting married.
I don’t want to break up with him because it would break my daughter’s heart and I don’t want her to grow up not trusting men and expecting them to abandon her, but I am so angry with my boyfriend about this that we fight a lot and when we do my daughter ends up in tears.
Queenie, what should I do?—Undecided
Dear Undecided,
You should have thought about this before you let your boyfriend move in with you. However, now the damage is done.
Give him some more time. It is possible that he will change his mind about marriage after you have lived together longer. If he does not, by then your daughter will be older and hopefully better able to understand and accept his leaving, if you should break up.
It is also possible that your pressing for a commitment too soon is what caused the break-up of your previous relationships. If your boyfriend decides to leave, take a break from men for a while and try to figure out why your relationships with men are so unsuccessful. Professional counselling would probably help. It would also help your daughter cope with her loss.
And when you start dating again, don’t introduce your daughter to any of your boyfriends, let alone move in with one, until you are sure the relationship will be permanent, which is to say until he makes a firm commitment and puts that ring on your finger.
