Dear Queenie,
We recently learned that our son has Asperger’s syndrome, which explains a lot about his sometimes very strange behaviour, especially why he does not do well in large groups and noisy situations, so from now on we will plan to celebrate special occasions just the four of us (me, my wife, our son and our daughter) instead of at the usually big parties our families like to have.
But Queenie, how are we going to explain staying away without them thinking we are mad at them for something?—Worried father
Dear Father,
You simply tell them the truth: that your son does not do well in large groups and noisy situations because he has Asperger’s syndrome – which is not anything to be ashamed of, it is just how things are with him.
Surely you can arrange to get together with your extended families a few at a time in smaller and less noisy groups, so as not to isolate yourselves from them.
Dear Queenie,
I have a way of saying what is convenient in a conversation instead of telling the truth if the truth would just start an argument.
Recently I bought some rather expensive clothes and I knew my husband would put up a fuss about how much they cost so I told him I got them for a discount at a charity sale, but when the credit card bill came and he saw how much they really cost he got so mad and he said he can’t ever trust anything I ever say again. I’m pregnant and he even said how can he sure the baby is really his.
Queenie, I may have told lies, but I never cheated on him. How can I get him to trust me again?—Liar, liar, pants on fire
Dear Liar,
The question of your baby’s paternity can be settled with a DNA test – if you can get your husband to approve the cost.
However, regaining your husband’s trust will be more difficult. Whenever you feel the impulse to say anything other than the truth, stop, think about the problems being caught in this lie could cause you, and tell the truth.
I also suggest professional counselling for you to help you understand why you lie so much, and for both you and your husband (if you can persuade him to go with you) to help him understand your problem and to help the two of you together preserve your marriage.
Dear Queenie,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple years since we finished high school. He has recently moved to another country for his tertiary education and now he isn’t acting the same anymore.
He always says he’s too busy to call me but leaves a message most times. He says he loves me and is sure he will marry me but needs to live his full college experience so he is limiting our communication so that he can have a little freedom to live. On the same note he says he doesn’t want to change our bond and even if we take a “break” he will always be there for me and in the end it’ll always be about me because he doesn’t want to be with another girl.
Queenie, I am confused. Why is he not keeping our promise of maintaining our relationship? Do I really have to understand and give him some space or is he just acting immature? I really love him and I’m sure he loves me too, but shouldn’t he be showing it rather than being distant? How do I make him understand he is changing our bond with his behavior? Should I stick around?—Faraway girlfriend
Dear Girlfriend,
Your boyfriend wants the security of knowing you will be there for him when (if) he is ready to settle down (hopefully, with you) but he also wants the freedom to play around and experiment with new things while he is away at school.
I suggest you follow his example – keep in touch with him, but feel free to have new experiences, possibly with new people you may meet while he is away. If the relationship the two of you have is strong enough, it will survive this separation. If it does not survive, you will not have wasted several years waiting for him while he has spent them growing away from you.
Dear Queenie,
What do people mean when they talk about “common sense”? My mother says I am very smart but I have no common sense.
Queenie, what does she mean?—Confused
Dear Confused,
Being “smart” is basically the ability to be a good student and learn what is called “book knowledge.” “Common sense” is the ability to learn from experience – the “lessons of life,” also known as “the school of hard knocks” – and not repeat the mistakes one makes along the way.
And, yes, it is quite possible to be “book-smart” and to not have common sense.
Dear Queenie,
I read the letter from “Smelly and Itchy” (Thursday, October 11). I had the same problem, but I tried using baking soda and it worked just fine, except for the part about mosquitoes not biting.
Queenie, just sayin’ …—Also smelly
Dear Also smelly,
As I said before, I suppose it cannot hurt to try. And, have you asked your doctor for advice?
