Dear Queenie,
My father has had several small strokes and has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. His vision is deteriorating and often he doesn’t recognize Mom or us, or remember what day it is or what he was saying a minute ago – things like that that are typical of his condition.
He understands that he is not well and was actually grateful when he was diagnosed, because he thought he was going crazy and was happy to know that there was a medical reason for what was happening to him. We don’t let him go out alone anymore because he forgets where he is and where he was going, and we don’t let him drive a car anymore because of his sight.
The problem is Dad’s sisters. They rarely see him, but when they do they blame Mom for his condition. They say it’s her fault for keeping him a prisoner in the house and not letting him lead a normal life.
She has a hard enough time taking care of Dad without being hassled by his family. We don’t want to cut Dad off from them, but they make things bad for Mom and they keep telling him he is okay when we all know he isn’t.
Queenie, how can we make them understand?—Unhappy daughter
Dear Unhappy daughter,
It’s not that your father’s family doesn’t understand, it’s that they don’t want to admit to themselves the truth about your father’s condition. It’s called denial. If you could persuade one or more of them to ask a doctor to explain things to them, it might help.
Meanwhile, you and your mother need all the help and support you can find. I don’t know if there is a support group for this sort of thing in St. Maarten, but the Women’s Desk could help you find a counsellor and there are many such support groups available to you on the Internet.
