Dear Queenie,
My 14-year-old daughter has been dating a boy the same age for about a year and I just found out they are having sex, so I’m putting her on birth control, but that’s not why I’m writing to you.
My daughter’s life is now centered around this boy, but he doesn’t really pay her much attention or spend much time with her. I have heard her arguing with him on the phone and crying because he doesn’t want to see her because he has something else to do, like sports or hanging out with the guys.
She has lost interest in school and refuses to get involved in any outside activities. All she wants to do is wait for this boy to call her.
Queenie, I don’t know what else to do. Any suggestions?—Worried mother
Dear Worried mother,
These children are both too young to be having sex, or an exclusive relationship. Especially the boy is too immature to handle the kind of relationship your daughter wants, and from what you say, so is she.
My guess is that the main reason he spends even as much time with her as he does, which would seem to be very little from what you say, is because he can get what he wants (sex) from her. If that is the case, she is being very foolish, and it is up to you to explain to her the difference between sex and love, and that a woman can’t buy a man’s love with sex.
If her father is in your home, let him explain this fact of life to her from a male point of view. If her father is not available, perhaps another adult male family member can help.
It is time for you to assert your parental authority. Insist that she not see this boy alone for at least two or three months. Let him visit her at your home when you are there, invite him for dinner or to join family activities, if he is willing, but do not let them meet under circumstances where they can indulge in sexual activity.
I know this will be very difficult, especially if you have a job outside the home, but hopefully it will prove to her that all he is interested in is the sex.
Talk to the boy and to his parents, separately and then together. Explain to them the rules you have laid down for your daughter, and the reasons. Tell the boy you expect him to abide by them and tell his parents you expect their cooperation in enforcing them.
It would help if you sign your daughter up for some sort of organised outside activities, such as a volunteer organisation, or arrange for her to visit relatives off-island, if possible (be sure to explain to them that you want to get her away from this boy for a while).
Family counselling would also help both of you cope with this situation. Ask the Women’s Desk to refer you.
