Dear Queenie,
A friend of mine invited me to dinner with her and another friend I haven’t spoken to for a long time, not since I was sick and in the hospital and then home getting treatments for a long time and I never heard from that friend once, not to ask how I was doing or what they could do to help, nothing.
I had already accepted the invitation when I found out who the other person is who is going to be there.
Queenie, how do I get out of it?—Don’t want to go
Dear Don’t want to go,
Apparently the friend who invited you did not know you were not speaking to the other friend.
And consider, this might be a good chance to find out why that other friend just disappeared when you could have used their help and support. Some people are just unable to cope with serious illness, not even someone else’s, and that other friend may be one of them. Or they may have thought you had enough problems and did not want to add coping with a visitor to your stress. A little forgiveness might go a long way.
Dear Queenie,
I’m getting married later this year and my best friend is my maid of honor. She lives abroad and will stay with us when she comes here for the wedding.
My problem is she wants to bring her boyfriend with her and have him stay with us too. She knows we don’t like him because of the way he treats her – he is abusive and cheats on her – but she thinks that will change if we get to know him better.
Queenie, how do I make her understand that we don’t want him in our house or at our wedding?—Disgusted best friend
Dear Best friend,
If you did not tell your friend she could bring a date to the wedding you can tell her the guest list is closed and you are sorry, but you cannot add anyone else. And you can make it clear that there is no room for him in your home.
However, if you refuse to even meet him, it may make your friend defend him more intensely, so it might be a good idea to at least meet him so that later when she needs it, you can be more supportive of her.
Dear Queenie,
My wife died about a year ago after we were married for more than 40 years. Now I have met a very nice woman and I am thinking of asking her to marry me.
Queenie, do you think at our age (we are both in our 60s) we can make a go of it?—Lonely widower
Dear Widower,
Many people your age make successful new marriages, but it is not easy. At your age, one tends to be set in one’s ways and adapting to new situations – and relationships – can be difficult.
If you are thinking of marrying this woman merely because you are afraid of being alone, that is not sufficient. There are worse things than living alone, and one of the worst is living with the wrong person.
However, if you want to marry her because you cannot bear the thought of not having this particular woman in your life, and if both of you are willing and able to make the necessary changes in your habits, then yes, I think you can “make a go of it.”
Dear Queenie,
My husband has medical problems that make it impossible for him to have sex. I can do without the sex, but I am not getting any affection at all from him, no kiss or hug to say “hello” or “goodbye” or “I love you,” no cuddling while we watch TV or for a little while before we go to sleep, nothing.
Queenie, why is he like that? It’s not my fault he is sick.—Neglected wife
Dear Wife,
Your husband may be overwhelmed by his inability to perform and, like many men, (unfortunately) equates any display of affection as “foreplay” – a prelude to sexual intercourse.
Try to explain the difference to him and that you are not looking for sex. I hope you can make him understand.
If not, professional counselling for both of you might help, but if he will not go, go by yourself for help in learning to cope with his failings.
Dear Queenie,
My wife is friends with a man where she works and they often have lunch together or go out for a couple of drinks after work. She doesn’t try to hide this from me and she says they’re just friends and there is nothing more to it and I believe her, but it bothers me that she talks to him about me and our marriage and I’m sure she tells him things that should be just between her and me.
Queenie, I don’t think this is right. What do you say?—Jealous husband
Dear Husband,
I think this would not bother you so much if your wife’s friend were a woman, but I also think she should not be talking to anyone, man or woman, about matters that should be kept between husband and wife.
If there is anything about your marriage that bothers her so much that she just has to talk to someone about it – other than you, of course – she should go to a professional marriage counsellor for help.
