Dear Queenie,
My older sister is a bully. She thinks she knows best about everything and that I should do everything the way she says just because she is older than I am.
When we were kids she actually used to hit me if I didn’t do what she said, until I got bigger than she is and she got afraid to hit me anymore, but she still to this day expects me to do things the way she says I ought to.
Now I’m all grown up and married and we’re going to have a baby and my sister keeps telling us both how we should be raising a child, even though it goes against everything we believe.
Queenie, I don’t want to cut my sister out of my life, but I don’t want my children to have to deal with her either. What to do?—Fed up kid brother
Dear Kid brother,
Life-long attitudes and patterns of behaviour such as you describe are very difficult to change. Professional counselling might help both of you – her to change her way of dealing with you and you to learn better ways of coping with her.
Tell her that if she wants to be part of your life and your family’s she will have to go with you for that counselling. If she refuses to go, go without her and do whatever you have to to protect yourself and your children from her behaviour.
Dear Queenie,
My boyfriend all through college tells me he wants to go abroad to get his graduate degree. We were talking about getting married, but now he says he wants to get that degree first so he can get better jobs to support me and any children we might have.
Queenie, how will we be able to stay together if we are so far apart?—Afraid of separation
Dear Afraid,
It is possible, but of course it will be very difficult. Is there any possibility of your going abroad with him? Perhaps you too could study for an advanced degree?
I wish I could give you a more definite answer, but only time can answer your question. I hope everything turns out well for the two of you.
Dear Queenie,
I’m just 13 and my Mom still buys all my clothes for me. The thing is, she always gets them a size too large. She says it’s so I can grow into them. I don’t like loose, baggy clothes and the things she bought me last year are only now beginning to fit right.
Queenie, please help!—Fashion-conscious teenager
Dear Teenager,
It is possible that what you consider “fits just right” your mother considers “too darn tight!” And the fact that last year’s clothes now fit the way you like is an indication that you are indeed still growing.
Your mother is doing what she thinks is best for you. When you are an adult and able to buy your clothes for yourself, you can choose the styles and sizes you like, but for the time being you will have to accept your mother’s judgement.
Dear Queenie,
I have a wonderful boyfriend who only ever had one girlfriend before me and their breakup was very hard on him.
We have a lot of fun together but I’m not getting any younger and I’m starting to think about having children and I want to still be fairly young when I do.
My boyfriend has never said anything about how he feels about me or about wanting children or not wanting them so I have no idea how he feels about these things.
Queenie, should I stick with him and wait for things to work out?—Getting impatient
Dear Impatient,
Do not ask me, ask him!
One of the keys to a really good relationship is communication. You have to be able to talk to each other about things that are important to you. Once you can do that you will know the answer to the question you asked me.
Dear Queenie,
Between his job and his service club and his hobbies, my husband doesn’t have a lot of time to spend with me. Some time ago I ran into an old friend from college and he invited me to go to lunch with him and we had a great time catching up on old times.
When I got home I told my husband about it and he got very angry and jealous and said I should never see that old friend again.
I’m not about to cheat on my husband, but I did enjoy spending time with that old friend.
Queenie, should I obey my husband or would it be okay to see my old friend again even if my husband objects?—Lonely wife
Dear Wife,
Continuing to see this old friend over your husband’s objections could lead to trouble, not only because you are feeling neglected and therefore are vulnerable, but because it would cause your husband to distrust you even more than he already does.
Have you talked to your husband about how lonely and neglected you feel? It might help to do so, assuming he would listen to and understand what you have to say.
You might also try to get involved in a social or service group – maybe even your husband’s – so you will not feel so lonely.
If that does not help, consider professional counselling, for yourself alone if you cannot persuade your husband to go with you.
And if you do decide to meet up with that old friend again, invite your husband to come along. He cannot then say you are going behind his back.
