Dear Queenie,
My wife has spoiled our son rotten. I have a very good job and we have made some very good investments, so we are very well-off for money.
Our son seems to think we are as rich as Donald Trump and gets angry if we do not give him as much money as he wants. When we bought my wife a new car he expected us to buy him one too – a very expensive one! – instead of giving him his mother’s old one. He has a part-time job, but it pays very little, so he asks us to pay for the insurance and buy him gas.
Queenie, what will it take to get him to stop mooching off us?—Fed-up father
Dear Father,
Your son will continue to mooch off you for as long as you permit him to get away with it. The only thing that will stop him is for you and your wife to turn off the money faucet and learn to say “NO!” – and stick to it – when he asks for something.
If your son is 18 years or older he is legally an adult and you are no longer obligated to pay for his room and board, education, transportation, clothing, etc. Make sure he understands this clearly, explain to him exactly what you expect of him financially and otherwise, and be prepared to take the necessary measures – such as taking away his car and even throwing him out of your home – if he does not start living up to your expectations. And be prepared for him to take at least a little while to learn to do so.
Dear Queenie,
My husband used to be a drug addict when he was in high school. He got sent to rehab and has been clean for many years but he still can’t keep a job.
He’s very smart but he never graduated high school because of the addiction so he never went to university like his family planned for him and because he doesn’t have the education the only jobs he can get are ones he says aren’t good enough for him.
Queenie, things can’t go on like this, but I don’t know what to do.—Fed up wife
Dear Wife,
You will have to decide whether you want to stick with your husband and hope things get better, or end your marriage. If it is the latter, consult a lawyer.
However, if you decide to stick it out for at least a while longer, remember that it is never too late to get an education. There are several programmes through which your husband could get his GED (general education diploma) and with that he could even go on to university and even complete the requirements for a degree.
The Women’s Desk, Hope Estate Road #4, Upper Prince’s Quarter, tel. 542-7940, 520-1145, or 520-1146 probably can help you get the necessary information about and even put you in contact with these programmes. Then all you have to do is persuade your husband to try.
Dear Queenie,
At a place I go to every day for lunch there’s this guy who works the cash register who always chats with me. One day I missed going there and the next day he acted mifted because I didn’t show up as usual.
Then I started getting texts from him even though I had never given him my number. I guess he looked me up somewhere or saw my number on a check I cashed there.
I didn’t answer any of his messages and the next time I saw him he started asking me some personal questions so I made a point of mentioning my husband so he would know I was married and not interested in anything he might have in mind.
Queenie, what more can I do to get him to leave me alone?—Harassed customer
Dear Customer,
You should tell the management of this place that this guy is making you so uncomfortable that you might start going somewhere else for lunch. I am sure they will not want to lose a regular customer over something like this and will explain to him that his behaviour is not acceptable – especially if it turns out you are not the only customer he has been harassing this way.
Dear Queenie,
My husband’s father is getting married on the same day my family is having a big retirement party for my father. My father-in-law knew about this when he and his fiancée were planning their wedding, but they still chose the same day.
My husband wants me to go to his father’s wedding, but a lot of my family who live elsewhere are coming here especially for the party and I don’t want to miss seeing them.
Queenie, what should I do?—Can’t be in 2 places at once
Dear Can’t,
No, but you can go first to one place and then to the other.
Your father-in-law knew about your father’s party when he planned his wedding, so he would have no reason to be offended if you miss his wedding.
However, you could plan to attend the ceremony, stay long enough afterward to congratulate the happy couple, then leave to go to your father’s party. Your husband can stay for the wedding reception as long (or as briefly) as suits him, then join you at your father’s party. If anyone in your family asks where he is, explain the situation to them. I am sure they will understand.
Dear Queenie,
My daughter is in her 30s and has never had a serious relationship. She meets plenty of attractive men but after a few dates she doesn’t hear from them anymore and goes on to the next one. I have no idea why this keeps happening.
Queenie, what do you think?—Worried mother
Dear Mother,
If your daughter is as anxious to catch a man as you are for her to do so, she may be scaring them off by looking for a commitment too soon. If that is her problem, try to help her learn to relax and let things develop more slowly.
However, it is also possible that she is too particular about what she wants in a man and cannot find anyone who meets her too-high standards. In that case, perhaps you can help her see things more realistically.
