Dear Queenie,
My son and daughter-in-law have 5 children already and now I found out they are trying for number 6. I help them out every day with housework and childcare because they can’t afford to hire anybody and I have even helped them financially on occasion, even though I can’t afford very much.
I tried to convince them that 5 is more than enough but they refuse to listen to me.
Queenie, what more can I do?—Exhausted grandma
Dear Exhausted,
You can stop helping them out so much. To start with, no more financial assistance. Just say “no,” and tell them you simply cannot afford it.
Then cut back drastically on the time you spend helping with housework and caring for the kids. Tell them you are simply exhausted, your doctor has recommended a certain amount of bed rest. And stick to your decision.
If you stop making things easier for your son and his wife perhaps they will realise that they already have all the children they can manage to handle – or they will figure out how to manage without leaning on you.
Dear Queenie,
My mother had a horrible childhood and she’s been telling me about it since I was small. She tells the same stories over and over and over, so I know them by heart and I’m just sick and tired of hearing about them. What’s more, she did some of the same things to me that were done to her when she was small.
Queenie, how can I get her to shut up about it already?—Fed up son
Dear Fed up,
Try to get your mother to go for professional counselling.
To start with, refuse to listen to her stories any more. When she starts in, tell her you do not want to hear it and she should tell it to a professional counsellor. Then, if she still continues, walk away/hang up the phone.
And you might want to consult a professional counsellor yourself to help you deal with your own issues.
Dear Queenie,
My husband and I always gave our children everything they wanted, even if we had to use some of our savings to pay for it, but now that we are retired our income is a lot less than it used to be and we cannot afford to be so generous.
In fact, we could use some help ourselves, but even though our children are all grown up and have good jobs that pay very well and know how we are struggling they have never once offered to help us out. They don’t even offer to take us out for dinner once in a while, but they expect us to invite them to our house for the holidays
Queenie, how do we make them understand that it’s their turn to give to us?—Given out
Dear Given out,
Do not blame your children for the foolish extent to which you indulged them, and do not expect them to give you money now, even if they can afford to do so.
However, there is no reason you cannot explain to them that you can no longer afford to be so generous and from now on they can take you out to celebrate the holidays or you can all stay in and enjoy a potluck meal to which you expect them to contribute.
Dear Queenie,
My daughter has a terrific figure – like you see on movie stars or sexy models. The problem is she wears clothes that show it off too much, especially like at the beach she wears just a tiny bikini and everybody stares at her, especially the men.
We would never let her dress like that when she was growing up but she says now that she’s an adult she can dress however she wants to.
Queenie, shouldn’t she be more respectful of her parents?—Embarrassed father
Dear Embarrassed,
Face it, that is how well-endowed women dress these days.
In fact, I would be willing to bet that you yourself have stared at an occasional gorgeous young woman in skimpy attire.
Relax, enjoy the view, and let your daughter enjoy being admired.
Dear Queenie,
I am very happy that my boyfriend has chosen for me. He promised me to wed me, but he still lives with his wife. I just can't resist his shiny eyes and ponytail. And I think I am pregnant too.
Oh, Queenie, could you please tell me where I am standing?—A yachtboy’s girlfriend
Dear Girlfriend,
You are standing on the outside looking in, and that is where you will remain as long as your boyfriend is still living with his wife. There is no way he can marry you unless and until he divorces her and I doubt that will happen soon, if ever.
I will give you the same advice I gave Byside (Wednesday, April 19 – I suspect you are the same person): You should have ended this relationship as soon as you found out your boyfriend is married. As for your being pregnant by him, it is never a good idea to try to keep a man by getting pregnant. Doing so is just as likely to drive him away as to hold him to you.
