Dear Queenie,
After my wife died my brother’s wife helped me take care of the house and look after my school-age children.
We used to date when we were in high school, before she met my brother, and I still find her attractive. Now she tells me she and my brother aren’t getting along so well and she still has feelings for me too.
Queenie, how can I deal with all this?—It’s all just too much
Dear Too much,
Your brother and sister-in-law need to work out the problems in their marriage without you and your problems distracting them. Thank her for her help up to now and hire someone to take care of your house and children from now on.
Meanwhile, if you are looking for companionship, join a social group and/or a service club and let it be known that you want to start dating again. You will find you have more opportunities than you can handle.
Dear Queenie,
My boyfriend and I had a child a couple of years ago. Then we broke up and he moved away, but we stayed in touch because of the baby and are still friends.
Now he has come back home and he says he’s still in love with me and asked me to marry him so the three of us could really be a family.
He’s a very good man, kind and generous, makes a good living and a good father to our son, but I’m just not in love with him. He says that doesn’t matter, he still wants me to marry him, and I want our son to have a real family and a full-time father, but I’m just not sure if it’s the right thing to do.
Queenie, please tell me what to do!—Undecided
Dear Undecided,
I cannot tell you what to do; you have to decide for yourself what is best for you and your son. However, I can give you some points to think about.
Being (or in your case not being) romantically “in love” is not always the best reason for such a decision. Sometimes it takes a while for that kind of love to grow between two people.
Furthermore, that romantic kind of love is not always the best foundation for a good relationship. Sometimes considerations such as being “a very good man, kind and generous, making a good living and a being good father to your son” can be a better basis for a strong, happy and lasting marriage.
Think it over carefully, get professional pre-marital counselling if you need more help than I am offering, and then make your decision.
Dear Queenie,
I’m lucky to have a job that I can work from home by computer. But I have some neighbors who think that if I’m at home they can drop in any time to visit and don’t understand that I have to be on the computer at certain times and that I have to get my work done on time.
Queenie, I don’t want to be rude to them, but how can I get them to leave me alone when I am working?—Telecommuter
Dear Telecommuter,
Some time when you can spare the time – as soon as possible – explain to your neighbours what you have just told me. Then when they drop in, tell them you are busy at your job and ask them to come back later when you have finished your work, giving them a specific time when you will be free to visit with them.
You could even make a sign to put up on your door saying “Please do not disturb; I am at work right now. Please come back at (such and such a time).” However, you might not want to use that sign if you are expecting a delivery.
Dear Queenie,
My husband sends me lots of texts during the day and gets upset if I don’t answer him right away. He doesn’t understand how much work I have to do around the house or that I might be in the bathroom or driving on an errand or shopping in a store and not able to check my phone every minute. Besides, if we text each other all day, what do we have to talk about when we are together at night?
Queenie, how can I get him to let up at least a little?—Texted-out
Dear Texted-out,
Your husband is behaving like a child who wants his mommy’s constant attention. What I do not understand is how he can take time out from his job for all this texting.
Try recording a message like “Sorry, I am busy (doing housework, shopping, whatever) right now; I will get back to you as soon as I can.” Then reply to every other text from your husband, eventually cutting b ack to every third message, and so on.
However, if he has a problem with all this, suggest he get counselling to try to understand and control his need for constant contact with you. Even for married couples, there are limits!
Dear Queenie,
My husband had an affair until I found out about it and he broke up with his byside when I told him it was me or her and if he didn’t break it off I would leave him.
However, I have discovered that he is still texting with her. He says he is not cheating on me because they never meet in person. I say he is still cheating and he shouldn’t be having anything at all to do with her.
Queenie, what do you say?—Betrayed wife
Dear Wife,
I say there is such a thing as an emotional affair and as long as your husband stays in touch with his (ex?-)byside that is what is going on.
He has to choose between the two of you. He cannot “have his cake and eat it too.”
