Dear Queenie,
My parents got divorced when I was little and I stayed with my mother.
After a while my father married the woman he had an affair with that broke up his marriage to my mother, but she had children of her own and I hardly ever even visited them and never got close to her or my stepbrothers and stepsister. None of them ever even bothered to attend my graduations from high school and college or my wedding when I got married.
However, when my father retired they had money trouble and their children have had to help them out, and they expected me to chip in too, but my husband said, “No way.”
Queenie, shouldn’t I feel guilty about not helping them in their old age?—Estranged daughter
Dear Daughter,
If the only thing your father values about you is your money I see no reason for you to feel guilty.
He is the one who should feel guilty for not maintaining contact with you and being a father to you when you were a child and needed him. Now he is literally paying the price for his neglect.
Dear Queenie,
When I went away to college I left a lot of my things in my parents’ house. While I was away they got divorced and my father moved out and put all his things into storage somewhere.
He also took all my things with him and put them in storage too and now he won’t tell me where they are because he thinks I might tell my mother where he has his things stored and she might somehow get to them and do something to them for spite.
Queenie, how can I get my things back?—Divorcees’ daughter
Dear Daughter,
Ask your father to arrange a separate storage space for your things – or make the arrangements yourself – and have all your things moved into your storage unit.
Your father will have to arrange for the moving, or do it himself, if he will not let you know where your things are currently stored, but that is the price he must pay for not trusting you enough to let you know where he is keeping his own things.
Dear Queenie,
I talked to a friend about something private and asked her to keep it just between us, but I found out she talked about it to her boyfriend and he mentioned it to someone else and it just got spread around.
Queenie, I am sure my family will hear the gossip and be upset about it. Is there anything I can do to make it right?—Talked too much
Dear Talked too much,
Tell your family what happened so the gossip will not take them by surprise when they hear it. Apologise to them for talking about it to your friend, promise them you will never do anything like this again and hope they believe and forgive you.
Dear Queenie,
My sister gives people gifts that she buys at yard sales or flea markets, which usually means they are used goods. It’s not as if she has money problems, but she thinks she is doing the sellers a favour by buying their stuff, or giving to charity when it’s some organisation holding the sale.
We would rather not get anything from her at all and just have her attend the party or whatever the occasion is.
Queenie, how do we handle this without being rude?—Gift Etty Ket
Dear Etty Ket,
Do not make an issue of the origin of the gift. Thank your sister for it and later on do with it whatever you think appropriate. You could even donate it to some other organisation (or maybe the same one it came from) if it is fit for them to sell for a good cause.
Dear Queenie,
A man I was dating told me he had done some rather unpleasant things in the past and he didn’t want to talk about them, but he said I could ask his ex-wife about them and he gave me her phone number, so I called her and she told me all about it, but she said it was a long time ago and he had taken his punishment and had counselling and wasn’t like that anymore.
I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and went on seeing him, but he had some other habits I didn’t like so I broke up with him and now I think he is saying bad things about me to get back at me for breaking up with him. A friend of mine who also knows him has gotten very distant and I think it’s because of what this man is saying about me.
Queenie, what should I do?—Stumped
Dear Stumped,
Ask your friend why you have not seen her for a while. If her reason has anything to do with this man, tell her the whole story. If it does not, at least you will know what is – or is not – going on with her and will have a better idea of how to deal with it.
