Dear Queenie,
My grandson and the girl he has been living with ever since he was in college are planning to get married later this year. They have a 3-year-old son that my father doesn’t know about because he is very traditional and religious and my mother thinks he would be too upset by the fact that they had a child without being married.
We are planning a 75th birthday party for my father and my mother doesn’t want us to let my son and his girlfriend bring their child to the party because she still doesn’t want my father to find out about him.
All of my father’s other grandchildren and great-grandchildren will be there and there are sure to be a lot of photos.
Queenie, do you think this is right?—Keeping a secret
Dear Keeping a secret,
No, I do not think this is right, not for your father, your son or his son. After living through all the cultural changes of the past 50 years, I do not think your father will be too upset by this news – surprised, yes, and maybe annoyed that the child was kept a secret from him, but not terribly upset. In fact, he may consider this new great-grandchild a terrific 75th birthday present.
However, it would be a good idea to tell him before the party about the child he is about to meet, to give him time to adjust to the news and to the fact that this was kept a secret from him for so long.
And when the time comes, wish him “Happy birthday” from me too.
Dear Queenie,
My husband and I have been together for almost 50 years. We don’t go out much, just stay home together and keep each other company and watch TV or whatever. We are each other’s best friend and don’t know many other people except for our children and a few relatives we see once in a while.
Our children keep pestering us to get out more and do things, but we just aren’t interested.
Queenie, how can we get them to leave us alone?—Homebody
Dear Homebody,
I think your children might be worried about just that – that if something happened to one of you the other would be left all alone, or would become totally dependent on them.
The decision is up to you, of course, but it might be a good idea to expand your social circle a little. If you do not want to just “socialise,” you might consider doing some volunteer work together – maybe visiting some other senior citizens or shut-ins who would like to have a little company now and then, for their sake if not for yours.
Dear Queenie,
My girlfriend and I have been living together for almost a year and I recently found out she has been snooping in my e-mail accounts as far back as before we even met and found out a lot about my past.
She knew I had relationships with other women before I knew her, but I told her that was all over. Now she says I’m not who she thought I was and she doesn’t know if she can trust me.
Queenie, how can we get past all this?—Angry boyfriend
Dear Boyfriend,
So, you are not who your girlfriend thought you were – and apparently she also is not who you thought she was, but someone who would go snooping through your past life. Professional counselling might help the two of you regain your trust in each other. Otherwise, the only other option I see is for the two of you to break up.
Dear Queenie,
Just read the complaint from “Invaded” (Thursday, August 16, who complained that when her father visited her house he goes through everything, including personal things, and, without being asked, fixes things that need repair).
Could Invaded please send her father to my house! Let me know what he prefers to eat and drink, so I can make sure it is stocked in the kitchen.—Faithful Queenie fan
Dear Faithful fan,
I am always glad to hear from my fans, and I hereby pass on your message. I am sure Invaded – and my other fans – will take your point without further comment from me.
Dear Queenie,
My mother is getting more and more difficult as she gets older. She has never been easy to get along with, but she is getting worse and worse, so that now almost everything she says is some kind of criticism or insult. I try to defend myself or whoever else she is talking about, but she just says I am being hateful and keeps going on and on.
Queenie, please tell me how to deal with this.—Angry son
Dear Son,
One of the signs of dementia is the person not being able to control what he or she is saying. Offer to go with your mother to her next appointment with her doctor and make an opportunity to tell him/her about this so your mother can be evaluated for this possibility. Then you will know better how to deal with her.
