Dear Queenie,
My husband and I have offered to take care of his brother’s children when he and his wife want to go out for an evening but they never ask us, they always ask her sister. I could understand if it usually happened, but not every single time.
Queenie, should we ask them why this is?—Ignored aunt and uncle

Dear Aunt and Uncle,
Of course you should ask them, but not in any angry or confrontational manner, just as a simple, civil request for information. And be prepared to accept in good spirit whatever answer they give you.

Dear Queenie,
My mother is vexed because I sent my Dad’s girlfriend that he is living with since he and Mom got divorced a card for Mothers Day. It’s not as if I forgot my Mom, because I took her out to dinner.
But Dad’s girlfriend is like another mother to me and another grandmother to my children. She’s always there to help me out if Mom can’t make it for some reason, she always remembers us on our birthdays and Christmas – like I said, she’s like a second mother to us and I wanted her to know how much I appreciate it.
Queenie, did I do something wrong?—Mothers Day Etty Ket

Dear Etty Ket,
No, you did not. It is never wrong to acknowledge the good things someone has done for you and your children.
Your mother probably blames your father’s girlfriend for the breakup of her marriage and is angry because you do not share her attitude toward the girlfriend.

Dear Queenie,
My grandchildren behave beautifully when they are visiting me, but when their parents come to pick them up they start acting like wild animals and their parents don’t say a word to them so I guess that is how they behave at home.
Queenie, should I say something about this to their parents, my son and daughter-in-law?—Worried grandfather

Dear Grandfather,
Apparently your grandchildren have learned that different places have different rules for behaviour and are able to adjust their behaviour accordingly. If they are of school age I would be interested to know how they behave there.
To answer your question: No, do not try to discuss this with your son and daughter-in-law. They will take it as criticism of their parenting methods.
However, be sure to continue to enforce your own rules when the children are with you, so they can continue to learn what is acceptable outside their own home.

Dear Queenie,
My children are all grown up and living on their own, but some members of my family keep asking me to take care of their kids so they can have an evening out or even go away for a couple of days.
They never offer to pay, they expect me to do it for free. I guess they figure because I have a good job I don’t need the money. But I work full time and I need my own time off to rest up, not chase after little kids like I had to do when my own children were small.
Queenie, how can I say no without being rude?—No babysitting

Dear No babysitting,
It is not rude to say “no” when someone asks you to do them a favour. Any possible rudeness lies in the way you phrase it and in your tone of voice.
For example, it would be totally unacceptable to say, “F*** off so-and-so, I don’t run a day-care centre.”
However, it would not be the least bit impolite to say, “Sorry, so-and-so, I have other plans/need my beauty sleep/(whatever other reason you can think of).”
You might also keep at hand a list of day-care centres and reliable babysitters to which you can refer them. You could even give them a copy of that list for future reference so they do not have to bother you about child care again.